You are gone, and I was supposed to be there, Sue called me today any said that you had all drowned in Colorado. I was so confused. That you had bee swept away by some current, and that this was a couple of of days ago.You left Thursday, and you did Friday. Panthi, they found you first. I was looking forward to see you and you giving me shit about how unreal the camping food was and that you still had to take me out for some real Indian food, because Carbondale didn’t have any. Kurt and Amanda, you were getting married this summer, and you will never take those vows. You were so in love. If I had to model a relationship after the two of yours, I would do it. You had dated since freshman year and all through poet-grad school. We all met in engineering classes. April with gonna come too. And I was gonna come but they told me I couldn’t having surgery so recently. And then April begged out, something about California.
You all decided to go anyway, the Arizona Salt River is just early in the season. I should have been there, spending time with you. This was my idea. I was gonna take my tax return and do it! Fuck Amy! I get you guys to go along with it. The amount of guilt I feel is incredible. And I have no outlet. There is no on to talk to about this. There is never gonna make anything right.
Have you ever seen the movie Final Destination? I think my life is that movie. I almost get beat to death from the person I am with. She gives me a mild concussion. I know, nursey self, what to do. I have gashes on my face and light yellow bruises that were once purple. She shoved me in the counter and bruised my hip and shoulder. I don’t know what else is on my body. I don’t bruise easily. It’s just deep and it hurts like a MF. Car wrecks are a given. And now this– death averted? How can that be? I was supposed to die there? Can’t you see it?
I miss you Panthi, you were my best friend in college, the entire two years I was there. You were going to India this summer. For the first time. When I spoke to you two weeks ago, you were so excited, but you understood I couldn’t come. You would have let me live with you in Seattle. You’re the best gay guy friend I’ve ever had. You’ll always be in my head. You had the best job out in the Pacific Northwest. I envied you.
Kurt and Amanda, I can’t think of the two of you as separate, so I won’t try. You got her coffee every morning. She got the paper off the front stoop. Doctorate’s in engineering. Who would have thought. Perfect for each other in every way. And loved the Beatles to boot. And could do all the MJ dances. You all could. I used to be able to. I fucked my life.
When I imagine the three of you, I’m imagining the good times. The young stupidity. Panthi, you were the first person to ever know I was with her. And you knew that it wasn’t it for me. You just knew these things. You knew everything about me. I wish I had kept in though more than every month or so. I miss you all. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.
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